Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
