if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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