The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My liver is preforming stress tests.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
