Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
