I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
