I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
