She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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