tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
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we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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