My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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