Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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