this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
