fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
