Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
