god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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