Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
