you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
