If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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