please come you make the beer taste better
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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