I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
