mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
