I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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