i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
