I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
