For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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