she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
