Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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