Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
