I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
