decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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