I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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