There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
