I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
