Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
