Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
