arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
