I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
