Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
