Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
