oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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