Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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