Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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