Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
