break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
