Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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