did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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