My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
tell me about the eggs
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
