Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
