Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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