she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
