True but thats because hes a fetus.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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