I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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