You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
