Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
