Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
