some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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