I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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