No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
