How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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