I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
