Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
